How have I let this happen?

Total weight loss in 2016 is 11lbs.

Less than a pound a month

Slow clap please…

Another year has slipped through my fingers during many failed attempts at losing weight.

I was supposed to have sorted myself out this year, I feel like a broken record, for the past three years I have said the same thing.

I think it hits me worse this time of year as in winter 2011 to spring 2012 I was at my slimmest, so it always pops up through Time Hop as a brutal reminder that I'm not where I want to be.

It’s horrible how I let this flaw encompass everything this time of year, but I just can’t seem to help it.

All I want to do is hibernate.

Every single day my mind tells me that I will only be happy when I am slim. 

I never truly live in the moment or enjoy anything as it feels tainted by being fat.

Photos are worthless this time of year unless it is a correctly angled selfie to remove one’s multitude of chins and the rest of my body.

I have excluded myself from my closest friends, my head screams inside at the thought of any social interaction. 

Whilst I am so consumed with how much I hate myself; I feel like I am not worthy enough to be in people’s presence,

or for them to waste their time being with me.

I hope to heaven that this passes; this is the furthest down the spiral I have been so far. 
I feel like I cannot ask for help, as I don’t really know what to say, no words come to mind as to why I feel like this, other than feeling gross and overweight.

I am dabbling with the idea of hypnotherapy; maybe just maybe it will be something to take the edge off.  It might help

my motivation when I am lacking, either in the gym or with food.

Another option that I am toying with is going back to Slimming World.

It goes against everything I know is right, the fear of fats (even good ones) is so wrong.  SW favours low fat (which = high sugar) and I know that is not right…but it worked for me.

  

I was my lightest with SW, to think if I carried on with it when I was going I wouldn’t be in this mess right now.  Why is it so hard to admit defeat?!I would have had three much happier years and would have done more.

I am embarrassed to go back to the same group I was at four years ago as I have gained four stone in that time!  I have found one that is near the gym I infrequently attend, so hopefully I can work it into a routine where I go to the gym

after weigh-in and the meeting.  One thing I must remember to do is ALWAYS stay for the meeting!!!  

I remember back to when I dropped off the wagon before, if I had gained weight that week I was too embarrassed to face up to failing, so I didn’t stay to those meetings. 

This changed into gaining every week and never staying to meetings, which then led to me being disheartened and giving up.  Looking back I was missing out on a great support network that could have helped me stay on track.

My plan is to start the week before Christmas so that I can get my head in the game so I can hit the ground running in the New Year.  I will use the bank holidays to batch cook up some meals so that I really am ready and have no excuse that I am too tired to cook something healthy for myself.

There is simply too much at stake to f*ck about now, my happiness and life depends on it.

K x