In which I survive a 19 hour nap...
I don't want to hide the truth, the last few weeks have been a struggle. I'm still suffering with a cold and it's not budging yet (mine usually last a month).
I started writing this Sunday night, I had worked a 6 day week, I had binged on McDonald's the day before, and I had drank a bottle of red wine. It took until Monday night to get all the words out.
This weekend I set a new sleep record, I slept from 3:30pm Saturday afternoon until 10:30am Sunday morning, that tired that my body decided I needed 19 hours!
I even passed out in my make up, I now have a grizzly spot to thank for that (sorry Mrs Hirons...if you know, you know).
I feel that my struggle with food is similar to an alcoholic. I eat in secret, I hide food, I lie about the food I eat/have eaten.
It's like a compulsion, I know I shouldn't be doing it, and it's more than just greed.
It feels like a form of socially acceptable self harming. I shouldn't deserve to be happy so if I keep myself fat I'll stay miserable, which is all my brain wants me to be.
I get so upset, I plan the absolute shit out of what I should be eating, everything all laid out perfectly, yet I cannot keep to it. I either eat the healthy stuff and the crap stuff on top, or I bin the healthy stuff as I'm so full up on the crap stuff I feel physically sick and wouldn't be able to swallow another mouthful without throwing up.
I'm not OK, but I'm fighting through.
Here we mainly show our "best selves" or "highlight reel", when in actual truth life isn't as perfect.
I have started to try and plan the week ahead, I'm keeping it simple, so I can remove the need to think about it. I'm also tempted to leave my purse at home and disable Apple Pay so I can avoid spending money on food. Cause that's another issue, the amount of money I spend on food when I'm in "binge-mode" is disgusting, more disgusting than the amount I eat.
I'm thinking omelettes for breakfast, soups for lunch, and SW ready meals for dinner.
Quick and easy, easier than going out and buying food I shouldn't be as well.
Good luck for the week ahead
You're not struggling alone 💜
K x
I started writing this Sunday night, I had worked a 6 day week, I had binged on McDonald's the day before, and I had drank a bottle of red wine. It took until Monday night to get all the words out.
This weekend I set a new sleep record, I slept from 3:30pm Saturday afternoon until 10:30am Sunday morning, that tired that my body decided I needed 19 hours!
I even passed out in my make up, I now have a grizzly spot to thank for that (sorry Mrs Hirons...if you know, you know).
I feel that my struggle with food is similar to an alcoholic. I eat in secret, I hide food, I lie about the food I eat/have eaten.
It's like a compulsion, I know I shouldn't be doing it, and it's more than just greed.
It feels like a form of socially acceptable self harming. I shouldn't deserve to be happy so if I keep myself fat I'll stay miserable, which is all my brain wants me to be.
I get so upset, I plan the absolute shit out of what I should be eating, everything all laid out perfectly, yet I cannot keep to it. I either eat the healthy stuff and the crap stuff on top, or I bin the healthy stuff as I'm so full up on the crap stuff I feel physically sick and wouldn't be able to swallow another mouthful without throwing up.
I'm not OK, but I'm fighting through.
Here we mainly show our "best selves" or "highlight reel", when in actual truth life isn't as perfect.
I have started to try and plan the week ahead, I'm keeping it simple, so I can remove the need to think about it. I'm also tempted to leave my purse at home and disable Apple Pay so I can avoid spending money on food. Cause that's another issue, the amount of money I spend on food when I'm in "binge-mode" is disgusting, more disgusting than the amount I eat.
I'm thinking omelettes for breakfast, soups for lunch, and SW ready meals for dinner.
Quick and easy, easier than going out and buying food I shouldn't be as well.
Good luck for the week ahead
You're not struggling alone 💜
K x
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